Can’t sleep. I wake up in less than 4 hours. Woo.

School and sweet things

Really don’t feel like going to school today with J. 1, I’m so lazy right now. 2, he’s been pissing me off so much lately I don’t even know if I wanna see him.

Short and sweet, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

Writing and baby matrix.

i feel like blogging/writing but i really dont know what to say haha so here i go on a rant.

today was good. woke up, got ready, went to school with J, got alot of work done. ate, did some wasting of time on social media, idk. not really anything cool. oh! but shout out to my new follower. woo. you better not screw this up. lulz, jk. thennnnn i had a dentist appointment. after that, went home. then took my bike (which sucked btw cause it realized half way there i had no air at all and that’s why it took so much of my energy to peddle) to the third J mentioned in this post’s house. she helped me scan some things. i interviewed her about life for my case study due next week. then we talked for what seemed like 5 hours but it was really only about 30 minutes. haha idk. i stayed too long. we talked about a lot of things. thats normal. idk, i really appreciate her friendship and our relationship. she was complaining at how none of the brothers want to be her friend hahahaha which is RIDICULOUS but i actually see it. lulz. THEN. rode back home, had dinner cause my Dada made paella. holy moly, prob my top 5 of his dishes. it was so freaking good. then we were finishing up and people started coming for the core meeting

the core meeting: went really well. im really glad we all had a chance to honor each other and to really break down our feelings for each other. no crying doe. ah. but anyways, it was really good. i really love them and i really appreciate everything they said to me and to one another. to K though. UGH im so effing awkward. i really meant everything i said to him. i also really took in what he said to me. although, it was alot of what the others had to say, it was weird coming from him. i was also just super awkward. then R was practically falling asleep during the last half of the meeting. sigh. haha hk.I really appreciate what C has done for us. she’s really been holding it down for me. and for the rest of us. i also really feel called to this ministry. i really really feel it. i hurt and i suck at what i do sometimes, but i know God put me here and I know He’s doing something great. it’s just a matter of me accepting that I”m called to it. idk if that makes sense. UGH my mind is going crazy. like, i feel called to it, i just feel really unworthy and i’m still trying to find myself a midst all the chaos going on in my heart. 

i still feel the same. crappy, unworthy, dirty, and just not at peace at all. i even hate myself for not finding peace. i’m also just very impatient with God. hopefully that song i posted will be true one day for me. im ranting now. i jsut want to be happy and at peace and not so damn sad and angry anymore. UGH I WISH TIME COULD FASTFORWARD. and also, no one has explained to me the whole carrying my cross thing. i’m doing it, and i’m carrying it but how the hell do people find joy in it. how do people enjoy their lives when they’re going through so much 

speaking of which… MY BABY MATRIX IS UNFIXABLE AND IM SUPER SAD AND I WANNA SAY BYE BUT IDK. UGH FUUCCKKKK………… ok it sucks that i dont have a car at all, but it sucks to know i went ever get it back. mama and papa are thinking baout letting me buy my own used car with my own money. i’m willing. it just sucks that it has to come down to this. aka, i cant fcking quit my job now. (i want an emoji to use. the crying one) shit dude. i need a frikin car. how am i supposed to pay off a car and work for it when i cant even get to my job. damnit. anyways. jsut grateful dada is ok and not hurt. but still, FUCKING SUCKS.

oh i know what to talk about. so the other night, i bascially spilled my whole heart to C. i didn’t want to, nor did i mean to. he asked me how i was and i ended the convo crying. basically tol dhi everything i’ve been feeling. but it also was such a sad convo. he was like “do you still see me as your best friend” and tbh, i don’t. i havent seen him that way in so many months now and i couldnt even tell him. well, i told him no. but i didn’t etll him how long. he was very silent. gosh is sucked. i was sad and i felt awkward then as i went on to share my heart, i mentioned a little of my guilt. he was like “oh well, don’t worry about me. im not holding onto anything. romantically at least” OK OK THATS GOOD. but i honestly, i felt so sad. i didn’t know what to say and i actually kinda miss him right now. i should be happy i should be happy i should be happy. but i’m not nor can i be. just our whole journey makes me sad. 2 years with a guy and its all gone. idk, its just sad… 

anyways, i’ve been wanting to share that last bit for a while now. im done. ad also, idk… i’m feeling sleepy, but i also feel very weird. i miss the good times i had with c. and even k. maybe i just miss the feelings i had with them: happiness and peace. well, not so much peace. ever really, but i was definitely happy. UGH IDK. so much on my mind, i gottaletitoutbitches ;)

peace. 

John Waller

"While I'm Waiting"

Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait. And I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience

(Source: sunshineyme)

5B

Thanks to R for giving me this idea and giving me really good advice yesterday.

Be genuine and it’ll come. Maybe he’s right and I have actually been faking my prayer time. Idk.

Anyways, thanks to him, I’m gonna start this everyday. Ill journal it but I wanted to put my first one here haha

5 blessings a day:
1. Got to poop yesterday
2. Talked to R
3. Witnessed the sacraments last night and welcomed new members of the church
4. Did my nails and I really like them
5. Bought Nico’s confirmation gift. Aka, I’m broke now.

anyways. Hopefully this works out for me. I really do. Happy Easter everyone :)

One day at a time Mel.

Really gotta stop feeling like shit and hating myself.

I don’t know how to feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I LAHV that Dada cooks for us every night, but I hate smelling bad every time I go out

Hashtag confessions of a spoiled granddaughter

Why do I always feel so shitty and worthless and unwanted and useless. Sigh. Nothing I do is good and nothing I do is getting myself anywhere. Yea, I’m gonna be a teacher and yea, I’m doing what I want but why do I still feel so useless. Woo.

^my life as of right now.

Jayesslee

"Officially Missing You"

❤️

(Source: ryanisawake, via ryanisawake)

C lee p. Get it?

Finally caught up on About a Boy. Super funny show. Everyone should watch it. Painted my toe nails. They’re baby pink. Watched a few videos on my Watch Later playlist. Woo. Such a thrilling night. Jk, i did nothing. Idk why I still feel like shit. Idk why the fck it won’t go away. Good thing I’m sleepy and I can just sleep away my feelz.

Pacquiao and beauty blogs.

I think i deserve a break no? These past few weeks have been so emotionally and physically draining. Started with the fam then I fell in love with coffee then school raped me and my heart is all over the place and school is still raping me then my thoughts went over board and I almost had a meltdown. Idk man. This weekend I got to take one break and watch the pacquiao match. Other than that I worked on my stupid paper. I’m almost done. I’m tired of it. I need a break right?

Tonight’s activities consist of:

1. Indulging on all the movies I have on my list
2. Drinking lots of water
3. Reading beauty blogs and what new makeup I can buy
4. Sleep.
5. Maybe even nap then wake up again to watch more movies/shows.

Anyone care to join me? SIKE I have no new friendz. Tbh, sometimes I just miss the company of having a bf. Just having someone to g+ with every night and put me to sleep haha but is ok. I’m not complaining. Maybe I should pray the rosary tonight too huh. Yea, I’ll do that.

Anyways. Lonely, exhausted, and bored, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

Htx and confirmation.

Yea today basically sucked. I really didn’t do anything except be consumed by my own thoughts and feel like shit.

Having serious Denton withdrawals right now too. UGH I just miss being on my own and having my own life and basically having sleepovers 24/7 with friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love having my family and friends here in htx but it’s different living in college. I just miss it.

I’m thinking way too much today huh. I think my convo with K last night sorta brought this upon me. I mean, every convo with him sorta gets something out of me that I never would have thought of.

Number one thing: how do you embrace your cross. I just don’t fcking get it. I’m stressed and my heart hurts and I’m impatient and insecure and I’m scared but HOW does someone enjoy their pain and enjoy “the ride” as he put it. HOW. If someone knows, please tell me.

Number 2: why the heck am I so hungry right now. Idk. Did I even eat dinner? I had Reese’s mini cups at like 7. That’s it. Damnit I should’ve eaten.

Third thing on my mind: my feelings and thoughts are so bad that today, I went to adoration and felt SO helpless. Why can’t I let go and let God and why is there something holding me back and why can’t it be gone cause I’m trying so hard to be peaceful and happy again but it’s so hard. I keep telling myself I’m impatient but let’s be real, why is it that I can’t even let go of so many things. Even what happened to me junior year aka 4 and a half years ago. Why the eff can’t I let go of that. Why can’t I let go of what I did to C and K. WHY…. It hurts you know? Not being able to be happy cause I simply just can’t let go. But it hurts more knowing I hurt them and that this guilt just won’t go away.

What K said last night really helped me though. I just need to be happy of what’s now because later on in life, I’m gonna remember this and laugh or maybe even be at peace with myself. I just don’t know how. It sucks and I feel like I’m not doing anything right and now conference is coming up and it’s a lot of work and what the fuck am I doing as nicos sponsor??? (This is probably number 4) Idk what the hell I’m doing and I sure as hell don’t know what to do about it. I pray for him all the time and I try my best to be there when he needs me but I sure as hell am not fit to be a sponsor and his confirmations is in exactly 8 days. Fahk my life.

Anyways. I’m ranting and today sucked and I wanna sleep cause I’m tired. I slept earlier today but I felt so crappy I don’t even know how long I napped for. I took 2 naps actually. Napped or not, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace. Or not cause you know, the devil just doesn’t want me to be peaceful. UGH.

Can’t move.

I should be studying cause I have a test in an hour but I’m just sitting here drinking my coffee with a hatching dinosaur in my uterus.

Crap and offerings.

I know I’ve been blogging too much who but gives a crap

UGH WHAT THE FAHHKKK. You already have the car can’t I jut have ONE frikin day that I don’t have to wake up early and take your ass to work???? I don’t understand. You always complain about not having a car and how annoyed you are and this ONE day I let you have it you STILL are too fucking lazy to drive. What!?!????? I’m so fcking tired of you. And I’m tired of having to drive your ass everywhere. Don’t complain to me about not having the car cause here it is. Offered to you. And you can’t even take it.

Ugh I’m so annoyed. And pissed off. I’m tired and you just think everything needs to be done your way. You can fcking have it your way if you just buy anther damn car. Annoyed and early, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace. Or no peace. Doesn’t matter.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY