My next few days consist of:
Packing for the weekend (I don’t have time after work starts)
Do laundry (actually I should do that tonight)
Clean my linens
Pack my dinner for Thursday work
Pack a snack fr Thursday work
Pack lunch for Friday work
Get ready for everything else
Get ready for work the next day
Go to five below
Go to the jr dips
Get out Sunday
Talk to mama/papa about THE VATICAN.
Get ready (mentally physically and emotionally) for school Monday.
H8 u ✋
Idk if I posted about what happened yesterday or not. Prob not. So last week, C asked me if K and I have ever done anything. Of course, I couldn’t answer, could barely look at him in the eye and I cried.
Yesterday, I talked to K about it. mainly cause I need to know what I’m allowed to say to C when he asks again. He will. So anyways. I asked K. He basically told me not to say anything.
I left the convo without a goodbye, I walked out of his house about to cry but! His sister came and I talked to her for a little bit. (I’m giving a really short detailed story if you haven’t noticed)
I drove for a little bit. Started crying. Cried so much I couldn’t drive/see so I had to stop at some random dry cleaners. I weeped for about 10 minutes. Then drove home. On the way home, K (different one. Sorry so many of them. Haha) called me and I cried to him.
There was so much I wanted to tell K (the guy) but I couldn’t. I wasn’t even ready to have this conversation with him. He talked the whole time and I didn’t say much. Then when I talked to the other K (not the guy) i let out a lot of what I was thinking of when I stopped the car to cry.
I think the only reason this is affecting me so much is the fact that I still can’t get over how much I hurt C. Who cares what happened between me and K, all I think about is how much I hurt him.
These past couple of months spent with him made me realize how good of a friend he is. And I DONT GET IT. AT ALL. I didn’t realize it til yesterday but I’m putting all this stress on the fact that C is gonna ask me soon but I cant help it.
K doesn’t want me to say anything. From what I see, he’s completely over it and has moved on. But he doesn’t understand that I can’t get over it as easy as he does. Not that I want him to, but it’s as if he doesn’t care that I’m hurting so much. Again, not that I want him to. I want him to see that I can’t just forgive myself for what I did to C and I want him to understand how much C means to me. I also want him to understand that keeping this all from C is so hard for me.
It’s as if I’m hurting C even more just by saying “I don’t wanna talk about it”. I don’t wanna talk about it at all but the fact that I’m being tied down cause it involves another person is what’s holding me back so much.
I also feel very alone. People keep saying “move on” and “forgive yourself” but wtf it’s not easy. At all. I can’t even look at them both without thinking how much hurt I put them both through.
So anyways, back to my phone call with K (not the guy) he said something to me that hit me. A lot. Hit me as in, it meant so much to me for him to say it. I don’t care if he said it out of pity.. “Out of the 3 of you guys, you def are the strongest and you have changed a lot since last year” basically told me to just focus on the good that came out of it and not think about the past. It’s hard. It really is. I told him “if it’s so good, then why can’t I just get over it and move on”
I’m impatient. Haha that’s the bottom line.
The reason I blog now is cause on the way home from mass, the song “you make me brave” played. I sang and actually digested he lyrics and it hit me:
“You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way”
He who gives and takes away. That’s it. He makes me brave and He will give me the continuous strength I need. I’m impatient and unworthy, but I just need prayer and humility. That’s all. Brb, gonna go cry me a river. Jk. That’s it. Such a long post. Only those who really love me will read all the way to the end. Hahha brave or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
i really don’t know how to feel. maybe i’m supposed to be a nun. everytime i get started on reading this, i can’t stop. seriuosly. i need to sleep. also, just everything that i’m looking at is so enjoyable and inspiring and beautiful.
"to make Jesus known and loved"
like, how is that not beautiful. anyways. thats it. my neck hurts so much. maybe i should be a nun. this semester, i’m gonna go to their retreat home and attend their prayer/meditation nights. also, i wanna inquire about a spiritual director. gonna call tomorrow. anyways, thats it. haha my neck is still hurting :)
"…A multitude of altars upon which at one and the same time the adorable Victim was being immolated. The blood of the Lamb without stain was flowing abundantly over every one of these altars, which seemed to be surrounded by a light cloud of smoke ascending toward heaven. My soul was seized and penetrated with a feeling of love and gratitude on beholding this most abundant satisfaction that Our Lord was offering for us"
-St. Therese Couderc
sooo i sat in adoration and prayed. mainly just sat and thought though. like, i literally jsut sat there thinking a lot of thinking about my heart and C and some K i guess. mainly C.
I kinda had an epiphany when thinking. you know, it sucks. everything that I’ve done to C and everything I’ve ever put him through from the first time I went to the club, to being super attached and having mean parents, to bringing K into our relatinoship and basically making everything worse. I don’t understand WHY he’s so nice to me. then it hit me. I was looking at the painting of Jesus above the monstrance holding a cup and his blood dripping down his face into the cup and i realized “C’s just so Christ like to me”. he really is. i have no other way to describe it but Christ-like. I kinda don’t like it. i just don’t like that i dont understand it at all. like why???
this came about through my thinking of my feelings for him. do i like him again? UGH I DONT WANT TO. if i do, i can’t even be with him cause i don’t want him to take me back. i even told him not to when we first broke up. he doesn’t deserve me at all. if i don’t like him, its just sad. haha its a lose-lose. it makes me sad thinking about everything thats happened. just the past 3 years. gosh its been three years. three years this coming semester actually. weird huh? it’s been a crazy 3 years and some of my best moments are becuase of C. SEE WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SAD… we were so happy together. i mean, glitch here and there, but happy. actually, a lot of glitches. mainly on my end, but everything was pretty much good.
then i think about K. Well, not really, more like compare him. haha when we started talking it was so different compared ot what i had with C. C had this flaw where i felt like i was forgotten when he was with his friends. like, i wasn’t there at all and he didn’t really show people that we were together. everyone just kinda knew cause he talked to them about it. but what about me? idk. K gave me attention. he took risks to be with me and hang out and he made me feel more special than C did. ok idk if thats a good thing though… haaha K would go out of his way to see me. C never wanted to take risks and see me. another thing was K wasn’t nice ot me. i mean, he was.. but when i need to be “slapped” in the face and told the truth, he never hesitated. C would tell me but he was too nice to me. too forgiving even.
I think I’m done. weird, I’m listening to Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby. someone else will be my baby. hahahahahhahahaha just not now. and as hard as it is to know it, I’m cmpletely ok with it as well. life is ok for me right now and i’m doing well. school is starting soon and that’s my main focus now. who knows, maybe I’m actually supposed to be a nun. haha thats it. i dont really wanna make this a normal post, it’s wasn’t really anyways sooooooooooooo. k thats it bye.
"oooohohhooh you’ll alwyas be a part of me, I’m part of you indefinitely" GAY GAY GAY
Mamas mad at me cause I’m working next Friday and she wants me to take the day off but I can’t just do that. I don’t get it. Now she thinks I don’t care about my family and that I didn’t try and that I don’t wanna go to schlitterbahn with them. Man whatever. I don’t care. She’s been making me feel like crap about it but her AND my dad both know that I can’t just take a day off work with such short notice. She can go out by herself.
Anyways, now I have to sit at lunch with her and pretend I’m not actually really really sad about it. Like, c’mon. I’m sad that you think so low of me and that I can’t take off and that you constantly make me feel bad about myself.
Ok bye. This rant was super quick and short notice. Haha either way, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
i wanna post cause i’m laughin so hard at the last reblog K put up. the whole “when someone cuts you off a picture” AHHAHAHHHA her cheeks are just so chubby and shes crying. hahahhaahhhaha
So today wasn’t too bad. I was nervous to ride the bus and I was scared to meet new people but none of that mattered. I was just scared in general. This is the beginning of the REST OF MY LIFE AND I DONT WANNA GROW UP
i guess its time for me to update. I’ll start when summer started.
SO school ended on a good note. I aced all four of my classes, everything was well. got to hang out with my friends a couple times, hung out wiht them often. everything was good. if you read some of my old posts, everything was pretty emotional for me. i think i was going through a lot of emotions. i was stressed from cb even though it had already ended. there was just so much. i wanted to step down cause of the stress but i also was with them a lot.
anyways… so that was life at the time. THEN i wen to jersey WASSUP. probably one of the best vacations ever. but hold up, lemme start with time periods. haha so when i first got to jersey, it was aite. i was still being bombarded with cbfl stuff and tbh, i was so glad to be out of htx. i wanted to get away from everyone and everything. too much going on. SO that being said. we got there on a tuesday and i got to see basically everyone before we left for the cruise saturday. got to spend lots of time wiht my family, go to go out with my friends and idk. it made me miss it so much BUT its weird, i know jersey has everyone there and everything there but!!! houston is home for me now. i know i lived in jersey city for more than half my life, but houston is home. so yea. we left for the cruise. i was unfortunately hungover. not too bad, but bad enough that the first 3 days on the boat were kinda nauseating. so yea. boat was SO MUCH FUN. normal day was wake up late, pool, bbq by the pool, chill, chill some more, nap by the pool/deck, then shower, get ready for dinner with the family (which happened every night) then show/comedy/musical/ whatever, after dinner, then chill more, first night i jogged and sat but just the first night. haha so yea. that was basically my week. then OH YEA SO THRUSDAY. the 2nd night before we all left. SO… there was this group of asian friends i noticed the first day of the trip. i noticed one guy inparticular. basically, thursday night, me and my cousin went to the club/party they had and we ended up dancing and he bought me a bunch of drink sand i got drunk and we danced. end of story. hahhaa he sucked. the next day, he didn’t say hi to me and i sat right behind him. his friends said hi though! thats it.
so got off the boat, bascially spent the rest of the time with family and stuff. went home monday night. aka, tuesday morning at like 2 haha sucked. i got home, slept, then went straight to the sta cruz’s for preps. i really don’t know what to say except it was one hell of a month. everything God showed me is too much to even type. i’m just lazy. i’m so blessed and honored to live in such a great city and i love it here more than any other town. i dont even know how else to describe it except i’m too blessed here. conference season is over and the last of the out of towners left yesterday. i cried for M too many times saying bye i can’t even believe how gay i was. i bonded wiht alot of good people and got to do a lot and eat A LOT. i spent moneyy. haha i cried ALOT OMG.. preps were so stressful at some points and i cried a lot. i also got my period at the same time as a lot of them. we all pms-ed together. hahahaha
ummm so thats been my life since then. i’ve been seeing everyone A LOT maybe even too much recently. i need a break to stay home and see my other friends. haha this week will be the week. anyways, thats it. i’m gonna see people again tomorrow. haha
i can’t blieve this post took me like 3 hours. i got distracted and I’m also talking to K a tthe moment. OMG THAT REMINDS ME I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HIM. soo i htink the tuesday or thursday (idk) before youth conference… he pulled me aside after the nightly household and he apologized. HE APOLOGIZED. holy moly. you should’ve seen me. i was so damn nervous. i was not expecting it and i was tapping my leg and biting my nails. anyways, he basically apoligzed for everything. for being mean and stuff. i kept telling him how much i appreciated it all. cause i really do. seriously, i am SO happy he said sorry. then i got to apolgize for everything also. like, form the very beginning. for leading him on and feeling hate towards him. idk, it was all jsut really good.
with that, C and i make jokes all the time but secretly (not really) i’m actually realyl sad about the jokes of us never getting together. like, i keep thinking about how happy we were and how much he meant to me and stuff. ugh. idk anymore. idk if i like him. i dont think i do, but i keep thinking about the happiness. i mean same thing with K. i think the only thing keeping me from letting go of him is how hot he is. lulz. but also how happy he made me. ugh happiness man. idk. not that i can’t have hapiness without them, cause i’m really happy now, but yea. it was nice to share it with that certain someone.
i think NOW i’m done. idk what else to say. long post or long post (HAHHAH) i just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
And also, it was gottaletitoutbitches.tumblr.com ‘s 3rd birthday last Thursday. Crazy huh?? Hahaha
JK, IM ACTUALLY JUST REALLY LAZY
also, i forgot my caps lock was on ^^^