You’re telling me to fall asleep to this song (which I did already before) but I won’t even get to cuddle T__T
Gonna blog this cause. Idk why cause. Haaha anyways.
So today I had a headache. Then later on in the afternoon I started feeling really achy and sick and I had a slight fever. Tbh, I thought i was getting sick. Turns out, it’s all side effects of the flu shot I got last night.
I’m still feeling my headache. I still wanted to finish my test tonight but I don’t feel like it. My body is so weak. Haha I hate this. Like, I’m happy I’m not really sick, but I hate this feeling. I feel so limp and I don’t wanna move. Def should not have gotten the shot right before all my tests/due dates are coming up. Lulz
Ptl I’m not sick but weak or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
Aite. I was gonna screenshot everything of me and C’s convo but it’s too much and it’s hard to read and it goes from text messages to fb messages haha
I’m gonna post this on here so all my friends who follow me can know how I’m feeling right now and what I’m currently struggling with. Aka, girl K, the friend K who claims he only checks my Tumblr once in a while but niqqa don’t hide it, i know you check this hahahah. also for A, K, V, and i guess also J. lulz
anyways.. On Wednesday, I was in adoration and I was just thinking. A lot of thoughts dawned on me and I realized (and felt God telling me) that as His creatures, we are not made for this world and what we want is far beyond what this earth has to offer. I was praying a lot about what had come to me and what I was thinking and i was questioning God so much asking things like “if I was not made for this world, then why am i even here?” “if God made me for heaven, then why can’t i be there now”.. then another big feeling came to me. I felt this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be in heaven. like, i literally wanted it soooo bad. SOO bad.
I left it at that. the next day, i went to adoration again and i prayed about what i had been feeling about heaven. i almost felt a little sad to be honest. “if i desire heaven this much, and God knows my desires, then why can’t he just bring me there now.” I’ve been trying to read/finish this book about St. Ignatius and his teachings. When I prayed about the word desire, I remembered I was actually on the chapter of desire. haha I went back to the chapter and reread it. In this world, desire has such a secular meaning to it. lustful desires, worldly pleasures, etc. According to Ignatian Spirituality, desires are something we need to pray about and really find in our hearts. desires don’t necessarily have to be worldly. When we learn to desire our desires, we find what God’s desires are for our lives. that make sense? It’s a little hard for me to explain through text but read the sentence again if its confusing. haha
it’s crazy that i was thinking like this cause i have never even thought of these things. ever ever ever. anyways.. later that day i talked to C. he asked me the day before if i was ok because he saw me crying at adoration. so i told him all this. he told me that i need to find happiness here on earth and that as humans, we’re here to spread this message of God that he’s given us. he told me a lot but that’s most of what i got out of it. It’s weird cause since then, I’ve been thinking a lot and some of me wants to just die (not in a bad way) just so i can experience heaven.
at the Holiness Revolution talk last Saturday, Dan Dematte talked about the mass. he explained that the mass is literally when heaven and earth meet on the altar and all the saints and angels are with us celebrating that mass. crazy image huh? I just need to find that peace.
also, so C’s tito passed away today. please pray for him and his family. anyways… so i was talking to him and i said something that i didn’t even think of myself. When people die, all it means is that God gave them a purpose and mission in life and they fulfilled their duty. Once they fulfill that duty, God rewards them with His bountiful gifts in heaven. It’s got me thinking a lot. C told me this yesterday, but its hitting me more as i type this out. God’s plan for me is still somewhere there and I just need to do His duty. Once I complete His duty and task, I can be in Heaven with Him forever. Crazy what I conclusions I come to and what God reveals to me in such a short amount of time.
Anyways. I encourage everyone to go to adoration. No excuses. This post is pretty confusing on what I’m feeling and thinking about. It’s just so much huh.. haha anyways. confusing or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
so many thoughts (thots) but ive been talking to C about it so i might just screenshot it all and put it here haha
Exactly one year ago I had a talk with C that I liked K. Weird what can happen in a year huh? Last year I was getting over him and idiotically moving on to someone else. Now I’m moving back to my feelings towards him and my relationship with the other isn’t really there.
Also, weird what friendships I’ve made/rebuilt over the past year. Praise God for them.
Now I need to reevaluate and figure out what my next step in life is.
Sigh. One year or 1 minute, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
weird. looking through my old blogs. i’m seeing him again and remembering all the fun we had. crazy huh? haha i wish we were better friends but i can’t complain at all at where it’s gotten so far. at least we say hi to each other now haha *handshake*
Basically, I need to reevaluate. Everything. Brb, gonna go cry an ocean. Give me 4 years.
We really have to be texting about this now huh. Jk. I can’t sleep.
Ok. Been thinking a lot and I don’t wanna forget. I basically had a really deep conversation with myself on what I wanna tell you if the chance ever comes. Hopefully it doesn’t. Or at least I hope it doesn’t come for another few years.
So. Yes I think about if the two of us will ever be together and no, I don’t know if I want it to happen. I want what’s best for you and with that, there’s so much in my heart that tells me it’s not me. Whether I love you or not, whether I like you or not, I lose. I can’t have you because you’re too good for me and I KNOW that there’s someone else out there who is waiting and way more deserving of your love than I will ever be.
I’m really unsure about your feelings for me at this moment but a part of me feels like you still love me. Not just as a friend/sister. Please don’t ask for me back and please don’t tell me your feelings cause I’ll probably lie and say I don’t like you at all just so you can find that other girl. With the amount of hurt I’ve cause you, I definitely do not deserve you and I am willing to sacrifice my yes just so you can find that girl saving her own yes for you.
When we talked the other day, I almost couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “The most beautiful person I have ever met”. Oh how I wish I could see myself through your eyes. It’s not that I have low self-esteem and it’s not that I hate myself (not too much at least), it’s more of me wanting better for you.
Tbh, a little part of me does believe that I would let you in but I’m scared. I’m scared of being the same girl who broke your heart exactly 1 year ago. I don’t want to keep having these thoughts (thots) while I’m with you. I’d feel like shit all the time. I also don’t wanna be the girl your friends talk about and say that you need to move on. UGH that sucks.
Anyways I need to sleep now. This fake letter was nice. Hahahaha don’t know if we’ll ever end up together, but you’ll always have a huge part of my heart bebez.
GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY. IM DONE. PLEASE DONT ASKME ABOUT THIS. ESPECIALLY THE NICKNAME. ITS GAY. Gonna watch football tomorrow and that’s it. Bye
Ummm so today was a good day. Woke up, went to the Holiness Revolution talk which was so good. Way better than conference and conference is a whol weekend. This was only a few hours. Crazy huh?
So much I wanna change in my life and so much I wanna do. Haha I’ll write a post about that another time.
Then came home, ate. Went to panera, stayed there for less than 4 hours. Around 3.5 hours. Came home. Watched Captain America 2 (still have yet to see the first one) and omg the movie was so frikin good. I gasped countless number of times and I cheered so much. “OH HAIIII YEAAA. OH MY GOSH”
Then. Nothing. Lol I’m in bed now tryna get sleepy cause I’m going to mass at 9.
Just watched a video about mamas and their kids and how a 1st birthday for the child is a 1st birthday for the mama. Ugh. I teared up and now I want a baby and a family. K insists that it’s C but ionoooo mannnnn
He’d make the most amazing dad though. I secretly (not really cause I’ve told him this) don’t want him to be a priest cause he’d make such a good Papa. Sigh. Too bad I can’t have his kids. Jk idk Idkidkidkidk. Hahahahah like I said earlier… Our son Bartholomew is gonna be 4 foot 9 and 23 years old hahahahahahaha that’s it. Such a boring rant huh
Ok bye. Boring daily post or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
But who’s counting, am I right? Jk I’m counting. I want all these damn mosquitos to die.
gonna do the catch up blog I’ve been wanting to do since like 2 years ago. jk. haha currently feeling the after effects of a huge cup of coffee for lunch and my hands are shaking. fml.
anyways. lets start two weeks ago. so, as my past posts have shown, I’ve been so scared of C to ask me about my intimacy with K. scary huh? Not something i’m comfrotable talking about. ESPECCIALY with him. but is ok. anyways, so that monday was my first day of school. OH YEA ANDI GO TO UH NOW WOO GO COOGS. SO YEA. first day of school, clint agreed to hang out with me for lunch, so I saw him, he came to school and ate subway with me. then we went to the library and watched LOK (which btw is so good). we met up with B, P randomly showed up, then another K we met that day.
long story short, that night (or tuesday, i dont remember) C said he needed to speak with me. of course, me being the anxious stupid girl, I said ok but i was honestly realy lscared. SO that wednesday, he came to get me, we went to subway, i ate my baon, he ate his sandwich then i asked “what did you wanna talk to me about?” and he proceeded to tell me. we both cried. basically, he asked about K. more like, i started it cause he knew i was uncomfortable… hes too nice. so yea. I told him the gist. then he got to the question I dreaded… “how far did it go?” told him i didnt wanna talk about it. i hope he still thinks im a v. lulz. (jk not that funny). so yea then he says “mel was that cause of me? like.. did you do all that cause I was your first of everything?”
He “then proceeded” (loll) to tell me how sorry he was for everything and how he wished he could take everything back and how sorry he was for straying me away from my faith and for leading me to lust and now taking care of me well enough and for being the casue of my fights in my familiy and for not being able to visit me and for EVERYTHING. LITERALLY… i cried so much. he did too. and you know how he cries… UGLY crying ahhahahahah SO YEA… i loved every moment of it. he apoligzed for everything i’ve always been insecure about in our relationship. even the things i’ve never told him or anyone about. he just knew.
so that was that. crazy huh? NOT DONE. we did it. JK bad joke.. lulz. anyways, tbh, i feel so much better. its been two weeks but im still tearing up thinking about it. crazy how far our relationship has gotten.
So.. later that week, THE GAYOSS LEFT HOLY MOLY.. sunday, P left and me and my brother went with the family to the airport. i cried so much. so did she. surprisingly N didn’t cry haha but!!! it was apparent he was gonna miss her. and that they should’ve been together and that theyre basically perfect together. haha so yea. that Friday J left. That sucked.. (this was last week already btw..) i said bye to him thursday night and i didn’t cry.. it was just sad. I hope he comes back soon. haha
ummm that brings us to this week. Work has sucked these past couple of weeks. I’m literally so fatigued all the time and i can’t sleep at night and theres so much on my mind. aka C..
that brings us toooooo present day. haha so K the sister and K the friend always tease me about C.. “you still love him huh? you still like him?” etc etc etc. i’ve always denied it i guess. today, i realized howo much i do still like him. maybe even love. you know, despite all the bad that I’ve ever done to him, he never ceases to be so kind and caring to me. NEVER. WHY. (just like my last last last alsjtkaljsfkl post haha)
so yes. idk if i love him. I’ve been spending so much alone time with him its bad. haha it just reminds me of so much before. recently especcially, i’ve been reminiscing and I just realize how good we were together and how much we laughed and how loving we were towards each other and how much i loved him. i guess i do still love him huh? JK IDK. idk. just all this time iwth him and being so close. its dangerous. haha
today we kept play fighting and glancing at each other. UGH NO… its unhealthy. omg omgo gomg.. i caught him staring at me so many times and i caught myself giggling too much and he kept teasing me and tickling me and i would play back. I SHOULDNT HUH. UGH ITS TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART. I wanna be a nun and thats it. lol
idk. anyways i have class in 15 minutes. I’ve been writing this since 3:00 haha
Whether i love him or not, i just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
So gay actually.