again, reminder that i have so much to write about. starting from sunday to maybe monday night next week.

too much going on man. 

Reminder to myself:

Update tumblr with everything that’s happened this week. So much to talk about and it’s only Friday.

Can I just say, I love seeing K’s posts now.

Californiaaa looovveeee

Nails and grocery shopping.

So, I’m at Honda again. Turns out one of my tires had a nail in it. They’re changing it. I’ve been here for almost 45 minutes though and I have to go.

I’m in a really bad mood. Idk if I’ve posted about this before, but Mama hasn’t talked to us at all for a week. I talked to my dad about it just now and he’s having really bad thoughts and I cried and his voice was so sad and idk. It’s scary. My mom comes home late from work, she avoids all of us, and it’s been a week. We’ve never had this happen to us. At all. Idk how to feel or what to say. I’m sad. Sad that my family is breaking apart, sad that I miss my mom, and sad that I think I’m actually getting used to being the mom in the house. I cook, clean and do grocery for the family.

Anyways. That’s it. I can’t wait to get out of here. I don’t wanna go on the retreat anymore and I don’t wanna see anyone. I just wanna be alone. I can’t even go home and do that. I just want to distract myself.

I don’t even wanna finish this post cause there’s a huge knot in my throat and I wanna cry.

That’s it. I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

Just too much for one day holy moly.

My next few days consist of:

Packing for the weekend (I don’t have time after work starts)
Do laundry (actually I should do that tonight)
Clean my linens
Eat
Shower
Pack my dinner for Thursday work
Pack a snack fr Thursday work
Pack lunch for Friday work
Get ready for everything else
Sleep
Get ready for work the next day
Go to five below
Go to the jr dips

Get out Sunday
Talk to mama/papa about THE VATICAN.

Get ready (mentally physically and emotionally) for school Monday.

Omg.

I laughed way too hard HAHAHAHAH 

But actually… Does anyone even have a crush on me?

I laughed way too hard HAHAHAHAH

But actually… Does anyone even have a crush on me?

I wanna throw up cause K (the sister) replied to my last post.

H8 u ✋

Bravery and dry cleaners.

Idk if I posted about what happened yesterday or not. Prob not. So last week, C asked me if K and I have ever done anything. Of course, I couldn’t answer, could barely look at him in the eye and I cried.


Yesterday, I talked to K about it. mainly cause I need to know what I’m allowed to say to C when he asks again. He will. So anyways. I asked K. He basically told me not to say anything.


I left the convo without a goodbye, I walked out of his house about to cry but! His sister came and I talked to her for a little bit. (I’m giving a really short detailed story if you haven’t noticed)


I drove for a little bit. Started crying. Cried so much I couldn’t drive/see so I had to stop at some random dry cleaners. I weeped for about 10 minutes. Then drove home. On the way home, K (different one. Sorry so many of them. Haha) called me and I cried to him.


There was so much I wanted to tell K (the guy) but I couldn’t. I wasn’t even ready to have this conversation with him. He talked the whole time and I didn’t say much. Then when I talked to the other K (not the guy) i let out a lot of what I was thinking of when I stopped the car to cry.


I think the only reason this is affecting me so much is the fact that I still can’t get over how much I hurt C. Who cares what happened between me and K, all I think about is how much I hurt him.
These past couple of months spent with him made me realize how good of a friend he is. And I DONT GET IT. AT ALL. I didn’t realize it til yesterday but I’m putting all this stress on the fact that C is gonna ask me soon but I cant help it.

K doesn’t want me to say anything. From what I see, he’s completely over it and has moved on. But he doesn’t understand that I can’t get over it as easy as he does. Not that I want him to, but it’s as if he doesn’t care that I’m hurting so much. Again, not that I want him to. I want him to see that I can’t just forgive myself for what I did to C and I want him to understand how much C means to me. I also want him to understand that keeping this all from C is so hard for me.

It’s as if I’m hurting C even more just by saying “I don’t wanna talk about it”. I don’t wanna talk about it at all but the fact that I’m being tied down cause it involves another person is what’s holding me back so much.


I also feel very alone. People keep saying “move on” and “forgive yourself” but wtf it’s not easy. At all. I can’t even look at them both without thinking how much hurt I put them both through.


So anyways, back to my phone call with K (not the guy) he said something to me that hit me. A lot. Hit me as in, it meant so much to me for him to say it. I don’t care if he said it out of pity.. “Out of the 3 of you guys, you def are the strongest and you have changed a lot since last year” basically told me to just focus on the good that came out of it and not think about the past. It’s hard. It really is. I told him “if it’s so good, then why can’t I just get over it and move on”
I’m impatient. Haha that’s the bottom line.


The reason I blog now is cause on the way home from mass, the song “you make me brave” played. I sang and actually digested he lyrics and it hit me:


“You make me brave

You call me out beyond the shore into the waves

No fear can hinder now the love that made a way”

He who gives and takes away. That’s it. He makes me brave and He will give me the continuous strength I need. I’m impatient and unworthy, but I just need prayer and humility. That’s all. Brb, gonna go cry me a river. Jk. That’s it. Such a long post. Only those who really love me will read all the way to the end. Hahha brave or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

i really don’t know how to feel. maybe i’m supposed to be a nun. everytime i get started on reading this, i can’t stop. seriuosly. i need to sleep. also, just everything that i’m looking at is so enjoyable and inspiring and beautiful.

"to make Jesus known and loved"

like, how is that not beautiful. anyways. thats it. my neck hurts so much. maybe i should be a nun. this semester, i’m gonna go to their retreat home and attend their prayer/meditation nights. also, i wanna inquire about a spiritual director. gonna call tomorrow. anyways, thats it. haha my neck is still hurting :) 

To Surrender Oneself

"…A multitude of altars upon which at one and the same time the adorable Victim was being immolated. The blood of the Lamb without stain was flowing abundantly over every one of these altars, which seemed to be surrounded by a light cloud of smoke ascending toward heaven. My soul was seized and penetrated with a feeling of love and gratitude on beholding this most abundant satisfaction that Our Lord was offering for us"

-St. Therese Couderc

my heart as of 8/13/2014 01:04

sooo i sat in adoration and prayed. mainly just sat and thought though. like, i literally jsut sat there thinking a lot of thinking about my heart and C and some K i guess. mainly C.

I kinda had an epiphany when thinking. you know, it sucks. everything that I’ve done to C and everything I’ve ever put him through from the first time I went to the club, to being super attached and having mean parents, to bringing K into our relatinoship and basically making everything worse. I don’t understand WHY he’s so nice to me. then it hit me. I was looking at the painting of Jesus above the monstrance holding  a cup and his blood dripping down his face into the cup and i realized “C’s just so Christ like to me”. he really is. i have no other way to describe it but Christ-like. I kinda don’t like it. i just don’t like that i dont understand it at all. like why???

this came about through my thinking of my feelings for him. do i like him again? UGH I DONT WANT TO. if i do, i can’t even be with him cause i don’t want him to take me back. i even told him not to when we first broke up. he doesn’t deserve me at all. if i don’t like him, its just sad. haha its a lose-lose. it makes me sad thinking about everything thats happened. just the past 3 years. gosh its been three years. three years this coming semester actually. weird huh? it’s been a crazy 3 years and some of my best moments are becuase of C. SEE WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SAD… we were so happy together. i mean, glitch here and there, but happy. actually, a lot of glitches. mainly on my end, but everything was pretty much good.

then i think about K. Well, not really, more like compare him. haha when we started talking it was so different compared ot what i had with C. C had this flaw where i felt like i was forgotten when he was with his friends. like, i wasn’t there at all and he didn’t really show people that we were together. everyone just kinda knew cause he talked to them about it. but what about me? idk. K gave me attention. he took risks to be with me and hang out and he made me feel more special than C did. ok idk if thats a good thing though… haaha K would go out of his way to see me. C never wanted to take risks and see me. another thing was K wasn’t nice ot me. i mean, he was.. but when i need to be “slapped” in the face and told the truth, he never hesitated. C would tell me but he was too nice to me. too forgiving even. 

I think I’m done. weird, I’m listening to Mariah Carey’s Always Be My Baby. someone else will be my baby. hahahahahhahahaha just not now. and as hard as it is to know it, I’m cmpletely ok with it as well. life is ok for me right now and i’m doing well. school is starting soon and that’s my main focus now. who knows, maybe I’m actually supposed to be a nun. haha  thats it. i dont really wanna make this a normal post, it’s wasn’t really anyways sooooooooooooo. k thats it bye. 

-Mel

"oooohohhooh you’ll alwyas be a part of me, I’m part of you indefinitely" GAY GAY GAY 

Schlitterbahn and shorties.

Mamas mad at me cause I’m working next Friday and she wants me to take the day off but I can’t just do that. I don’t get it. Now she thinks I don’t care about my family and that I didn’t try and that I don’t wanna go to schlitterbahn with them. Man whatever. I don’t care. She’s been making me feel like crap about it but her AND my dad both know that I can’t just take a day off work with such short notice. She can go out by herself.

Anyways, now I have to sit at lunch with her and pretend I’m not actually really really sad about it. Like, c’mon. I’m sad that you think so low of me and that I can’t take off and that you constantly make me feel bad about myself.

Ok bye. This rant was super quick and short notice. Haha either way, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

i wanna post cause i’m laughin so hard at the last reblog K put up. the whole “when someone cuts you off a picture” AHHAHAHHHA her cheeks are just so chubby and shes crying. hahahhaahhhaha

So today wasn’t too bad. I was nervous to ride the bus and I was scared to meet new people but none of that mattered. I was just scared in general. This is the beginning of the REST OF MY LIFE AND I DONT WANNA GROW UP

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY