Why do I always feel so shitty and worthless and unwanted and useless. Sigh. Nothing I do is good and nothing I do is getting myself anywhere. Yea, I’m gonna be a teacher and yea, I’m doing what I want but why do I still feel so useless. Woo.
^my life as of right now.
Finally caught up on About a Boy. Super funny show. Everyone should watch it. Painted my toe nails. They’re baby pink. Watched a few videos on my Watch Later playlist. Woo. Such a thrilling night. Jk, i did nothing. Idk why I still feel like shit. Idk why the fck it won’t go away. Good thing I’m sleepy and I can just sleep away my feelz.
I think i deserve a break no? These past few weeks have been so emotionally and physically draining. Started with the fam then I fell in love with coffee then school raped me and my heart is all over the place and school is still raping me then my thoughts went over board and I almost had a meltdown. Idk man. This weekend I got to take one break and watch the pacquiao match. Other than that I worked on my stupid paper. I’m almost done. I’m tired of it. I need a break right?
Tonight’s activities consist of:
1. Indulging on all the movies I have on my list
2. Drinking lots of water
3. Reading beauty blogs and what new makeup I can buy
5. Maybe even nap then wake up again to watch more movies/shows.
Anyone care to join me? SIKE I have no new friendz. Tbh, sometimes I just miss the company of having a bf. Just having someone to g+ with every night and put me to sleep haha but is ok. I’m not complaining. Maybe I should pray the rosary tonight too huh. Yea, I’ll do that.
Anyways. Lonely, exhausted, and bored, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
Yea today basically sucked. I really didn’t do anything except be consumed by my own thoughts and feel like shit.
Having serious Denton withdrawals right now too. UGH I just miss being on my own and having my own life and basically having sleepovers 24/7 with friends. Don’t get me wrong, I love having my family and friends here in htx but it’s different living in college. I just miss it.
I’m thinking way too much today huh. I think my convo with K last night sorta brought this upon me. I mean, every convo with him sorta gets something out of me that I never would have thought of.
Number one thing: how do you embrace your cross. I just don’t fcking get it. I’m stressed and my heart hurts and I’m impatient and insecure and I’m scared but HOW does someone enjoy their pain and enjoy “the ride” as he put it. HOW. If someone knows, please tell me.
Number 2: why the heck am I so hungry right now. Idk. Did I even eat dinner? I had Reese’s mini cups at like 7. That’s it. Damnit I should’ve eaten.
Third thing on my mind: my feelings and thoughts are so bad that today, I went to adoration and felt SO helpless. Why can’t I let go and let God and why is there something holding me back and why can’t it be gone cause I’m trying so hard to be peaceful and happy again but it’s so hard. I keep telling myself I’m impatient but let’s be real, why is it that I can’t even let go of so many things. Even what happened to me junior year aka 4 and a half years ago. Why the eff can’t I let go of that. Why can’t I let go of what I did to C and K. WHY…. It hurts you know? Not being able to be happy cause I simply just can’t let go. But it hurts more knowing I hurt them and that this guilt just won’t go away.
What K said last night really helped me though. I just need to be happy of what’s now because later on in life, I’m gonna remember this and laugh or maybe even be at peace with myself. I just don’t know how. It sucks and I feel like I’m not doing anything right and now conference is coming up and it’s a lot of work and what the fuck am I doing as nicos sponsor??? (This is probably number 4) Idk what the hell I’m doing and I sure as hell don’t know what to do about it. I pray for him all the time and I try my best to be there when he needs me but I sure as hell am not fit to be a sponsor and his confirmations is in exactly 8 days. Fahk my life.
Anyways. I’m ranting and today sucked and I wanna sleep cause I’m tired. I slept earlier today but I felt so crappy I don’t even know how long I napped for. I took 2 naps actually. Napped or not, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
Peace. Or not cause you know, the devil just doesn’t want me to be peaceful. UGH.
I should be studying cause I have a test in an hour but I’m just sitting here drinking my coffee with a hatching dinosaur in my uterus.
I know I’ve been blogging too much who but gives a crap
UGH WHAT THE FAHHKKK. You already have the car can’t I jut have ONE frikin day that I don’t have to wake up early and take your ass to work???? I don’t understand. You always complain about not having a car and how annoyed you are and this ONE day I let you have it you STILL are too fucking lazy to drive. What!?!????? I’m so fcking tired of you. And I’m tired of having to drive your ass everywhere. Don’t complain to me about not having the car cause here it is. Offered to you. And you can’t even take it.
Ugh I’m so annoyed. And pissed off. I’m tired and you just think everything needs to be done your way. You can fcking have it your way if you just buy anther damn car. Annoyed and early, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
Peace. Or no peace. Doesn’t matter.
Ha ha isn’t that just so. Damn. Funny.
Brb gonna go cry me a river
Fuck you CVS. I H8 u.
Hate sharing a car with mama. She lost my CVS card. Almost lost my car keys. Never puts gas in the car. And she never takes Arielle out. And she never knows the appropriate time to use the wipers. Even after I tell her.
Work sucked today. As usual. Ms. Raquel sucks at her job and should be fired. I walked in and saw 10 pages in QP and a shit load of things in QT and people kept coming. And coming. And coming.
And on top of that, everyone’s in a bad mood cause she sucks. Then all these customers come in pissed off cause nothings ever ready. Then they yell and today this b*** gave me the worst attitude. So I gave attitude back. I’m good at that. Haha you know, it’s through working here and at ChicFilA that I’ve learned to be rude to strangers and to stand up for myself. Aka fight if I need to. And talk back. Seriously. Can’t wait to quit. In gonna call KatyISD tomorrow to see if I can apply now and start next sem. Eeeekkk kinda scary. I wanna be a substitute. I know id love it.
And also, it’ll help me get my name known and famous so when I graduate it’ll be easier for me to get a job. Hopefully I’m one of only a few to do it haha oh!! But it’ll also help me with student teaching! But man, going to that 3rd grade class really opened my eyes. Now idk if I wanna teach 3rd/4th grade or stick with Pre-K when I graduate. Hmph. Decisions decisions.
Whether it’s time to decide or not, you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
HAHA THE TITLE.
K (literally k) don’t get mad but I’m still up and idk if I can sleep tbh cause I went through the other K’s blog and he JUST put something up and there’s nothing about me in it but I didn’t even know other girls creeped at guys like I do. Idk if I ever told you but I found jrk’s fb HAHA notgonnaaddhim. It’s like what you said about R. The more I look at him, the more I wanna throw up HAHAHAHAH
Frik. Oh and also, his post made me realize how much I hate my job. I absolutely hate it there. Too much stress and I know I don’t work a lot, but I frikin hate it. Too much stress and I’m having to do such unnecessary (holy crap I finally spelt it right without the spell check) trainings and crap. UGH gonna quit tomorrow. Jk. Gotta suck it up ONE MORE MONTH. I already know what I’m gonna tell them and I hope I get to talk to Ms. Grace. I don’t like Raquel at all. She sucks as a boss and sucks as a pharmacist. Like c’mon, doesn’t she see that people are waiting and that there’s a huge stack of rx’s to verify and 10 pages in the queue??? Ugh one more. Right when school ends. Oonneee moorreee moonntthhh.
Omg I need to sleep. It’s already 1:22. I shouldn’t have taken that nap kanina.
OK IM DONE BYE. Late and tired, who cares. You just gottaletitoutbitches ;)
Can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking. Ugh I hate this feeling. C’mon, like why do I have to feel so sad about this all the time. Btw, just up-chucked a little but. Gross. This is probably the most I’ve ever posted in one day huh? But anyways, yea. I’m sad. I wish I could just grow balls but I don’t wanna. Nor should I. But also, idk. I just feel weird. Like, it sucks to know I can’t have him but to know that he’s handsome enough to get any girl he wants and also I’m not as pretty as the girls he can get kinda freaks me out. It shouldn’t, but it does. Sigh. Does that make me insecure? Loll I won’t ever ever admit things like this to just anyone. I’m not that vulnerable. But yea. I just feel weird and i can’t sleep and I was looking for Benadryl earlier but couldn’t find any.
Ok night. Sleepless or not you just gottaletitoutbitches ;)