wow i guess you aren’t really that bad huh? “there’s hope for him” hahahha let’s hope that’s right.

K the sister, you better not ask me about this so go do your transcript thing.  also, not gonna reply til i finish my paper. almost done. ok byeeeeeee

And to think I thought I loved you.

What a shame huh?

Religious life and triggers.

aite, gonna take a break from doing my homework. anaconda is playing on my spotify right now. Don’t’ know if i can concentrate on typing this post. hahahahah i just wanna dance. ANYWAYS..

So looking back at my discernment, it’s been a pretty crazy experience. I can’t even say i’ve been in a discernment journey because i’m a total noob atm. haha the first time I experienced a calling to religious life, it was 2009 at Chicago conference. I remember that Friday night worship right after these sisters went up on stage and frikin danced with us. hahah so awesome. ANYWAYS. that worship, i was like “Lord they’re so cool. i wanna be like them.” I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of joy, peace, and just overall feeling good, I was crying uncontrollably cause i felt so good haha after that conference, i was ready to drop everything and enter the convent. Of course that didn’t happen. 

I ignored the feeling the months following, and life went on. before this summer started, i knew and felt so called to motherhood. when i switched to education, the feeling was more evident. Around April or so, I had a crazy thought. “what if this calling to motherhood is actually my calling to becoming a teacher and becoming a mother to the students i will be teaching in the future” this triggered the start of that calling coming back.

this year’s conference, I had the same feeling that Sunday praise fest. I was crying uncontrollably and despite all the baggage i brought that weekend, i felt like God was literally carrying me in His arms. I was praying and out of now where, i was astro Mel and i saw myself in front of a classroom teaching a group of elementary school students BUT i was wearing a habit. OMG WHAT. yea, i know. haha 

after conference, I decided to start this book i got for christmas. It’s called “the Jesuit guide to almost everything.” In this book, all of St. Ignatius’s teachings are explained. It also gives a bbrief history of where he started. I;m not done with it btw. haha anyways, this started my fascination of Ignatian Spirituality. Like i said, i’m a total noob. haha i really don’t know anything, but i just have a feeling. calling even. I started doing some research on any orders of sisters that follow these teachings. 

While this was all going on, I felt so enveloped by the calling of religious life. I was recommended to see a priest, to talk to my mentors, etc. I spoke to a friend who was about to enter the convent, I met with my priest two/three weeks ago, and I recently scheduled an appointment to meet with a sister downtown at the cocathedral. 

crazy huh? weird also, becuase I feel such a strong pull to this, but I also feel a huge pull towards the married life. Theres just smoething so fascinating with bearing a child with the goal of bringing them to heaven with your spouse.

"It’s weird being a mama now. I feel so humbled knowing that this child is of my Father’s and that I have a duty to bring him to Him." -Ate J.

That’s amazing. I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it. God entrusts these parents to bear His child and bring them to Him. UGH EMOTIONS TAKING ME OVAAAHH

anyways. I’m done. that’s where this discernment has taken me. I jsut ask for your prayers and support. It’s a scary and exciting and crazy thing that’s been happening to me recently. Anyways. gonna go back to writing these stupid posts. haha I’m so distracted.

anyways. religious or married life, i just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

peace. 

Gonna post up an update about my discernment

Just for J. Hahaha 💋💋💋

But sorry wait til tomorrow

Clean makeup brushes :3 :3 :3 :3

Simple joys

Letters and the future.

It’s currently 2:40. Let’s see how long I take to write this.

I randomly went through my box of old stuff from C. I haven’t seen any of this stuff since I put it all away last year. Cried more than I wanted to. Found my favorite picture of us (Easter 2012) and read a few letters. It’s crazy to think cause I remember all the love we had to one another and it’s so hard to believe I loved someone that much. That’s why I always told people before that I knew he was the one. The amount of love I gave to him, I knew a human person was not capable of giving. It was of God and it was real. Sigh. Haha so lame.

He wrote something in here saying I was his “glimpse of heaven”. Weird because even when we’re not together or in love, he never ceases to teach me. Also weird because this was written more than 2 years ago. Anyways. Going back to the heaven topic. Idk if you read my heaven post, but God still speaks through C for me. Haha it’s making me think. As much as I desire heaven and as much as I realize my time on earth isn’t done, I realize God has given me little pieces of heaven here on earth. Not just the mass, but through the people I’m surrounded with. It leaves me feeling even more blessed and peaceful knowing that even though God isn’t done with me regardless of my desire for heaven, He still loves me so much to give me a little peace of Him in the blessings of life. I’m already feeling so loved, how much more will i feel when/if I enter heaven. Crazy huh?

Leads me to thinking. Do I love C? Haha idk. If I did or not, the amount of care I have for him will be the same, if not greater through the future of our relationship.

Currently 2:53 AM. I should sleep now huh. Haha anyways, that’s it. I need to call Sister Gina back tomorrow. Now it’s 2:54. One minute of typing or two, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

I’ll Be Seeing You -Jimmy Durante

You’re telling me to fall asleep to this song (which I did already before) but I won’t even get to cuddle T__T

Hk.

Due dates and the flu.

Gonna blog this cause. Idk why cause. Haaha anyways.

So today I had a headache. Then later on in the afternoon I started feeling really achy and sick and I had a slight fever. Tbh, I thought i was getting sick. Turns out, it’s all side effects of the flu shot I got last night.

I’m still feeling my headache. I still wanted to finish my test tonight but I don’t feel like it. My body is so weak. Haha I hate this. Like, I’m happy I’m not really sick, but I hate this feeling. I feel so limp and I don’t wanna move. Def should not have gotten the shot right before all my tests/due dates are coming up. Lulz

Ptl I’m not sick but weak or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

desires and heaven.

Aite. I was gonna screenshot everything of me and C’s convo but it’s too much and it’s hard to read and it goes from text messages to fb messages haha

I’m gonna post this on here so all my friends who follow me can know how I’m feeling right now and what I’m currently struggling with. Aka, girl K, the friend K who claims he only checks my Tumblr once in a while but niqqa don’t hide it, i know you check this hahahah. also for A, K, V, and i guess also J. lulz

anyways.. On Wednesday, I was in adoration and I was just thinking. A lot of thoughts dawned on me and I realized (and felt God telling me) that as His creatures, we are not made for this world and what we want is far beyond what this earth has to offer. I was praying a lot about what had come to me and what I was thinking and i was questioning God so much asking things like “if I was not made for this world, then why am i even here?” “if God made me for heaven, then why can’t i be there now”.. then another big feeling came to me. I felt this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be in heaven. like, i literally wanted it soooo bad. SOO bad. 

I left it at that. the next day, i went to adoration again and i prayed about what i had been feeling about heaven. i almost felt a little sad to be honest. “if i desire heaven this much, and God knows my desires, then why can’t he just bring me there now.” I’ve been trying to read/finish this book about St. Ignatius and his teachings. When I prayed about the word desire, I remembered I was actually on the chapter of desire. haha I went back to the chapter and reread it. In this world, desire has such a secular meaning to it. lustful desires, worldly pleasures, etc. According to Ignatian Spirituality, desires are something we need to pray about and really find in our hearts. desires don’t necessarily have to be worldly. When we learn to desire our desires, we find what God’s desires are for our lives. that make sense? It’s a little hard for me to explain through text but read the sentence again if its confusing. haha 

it’s crazy that i was thinking like this cause i have never even thought of these things. ever ever ever. anyways.. later that day i talked to C. he asked me the day before if i was ok because he saw me crying at adoration. so i told him all this. he told me that i need to find happiness here on earth and that as humans, we’re here to spread this message of God that he’s given us. he told me a lot but that’s most of what i got out of it. It’s weird cause since then, I’ve been thinking a lot and some of me wants to just die (not in a bad way) just so i can experience heaven. 

at the Holiness Revolution talk last Saturday, Dan Dematte talked about the mass. he explained that the mass is literally when heaven and earth meet on the altar and all the saints and angels are with us celebrating that mass. crazy image huh? I just need to find that peace. 

also, so C’s tito passed away today. please pray for him and his family. anyways… so i was talking to him and i said something that i didn’t even think of myself. When people die, all it means is that God gave them a purpose and mission in life and they fulfilled their duty. Once they fulfill that duty, God rewards them with His bountiful gifts in heaven. It’s got me thinking a lot. C told me this yesterday, but its hitting me more as i type this out. God’s plan for me is still somewhere there and I just need to do His duty. Once I complete His duty and task, I can be in Heaven with Him forever. Crazy what I conclusions I come to and what God reveals to me in such a short amount of time. 

Anyways. I encourage everyone to go to adoration. No excuses. This post is pretty confusing on what I’m feeling and thinking about. It’s just so much huh.. haha anyways. confusing or not, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

peace. 

thots

so many thoughts (thots) but ive been talking to C about it so i might just screenshot it all and put it here haha

Buildings and time.

Exactly one year ago I had a talk with C that I liked K. Weird what can happen in a year huh? Last year I was getting over him and idiotically moving on to someone else. Now I’m moving back to my feelings towards him and my relationship with the other isn’t really there.

Also, weird what friendships I’ve made/rebuilt over the past year. Praise God for them.

Now I need to reevaluate and figure out what my next step in life is.

Sigh. One year or 1 minute, I just gottaletitoutbitches ;)

Peace.

the handshake.

weird. looking through my old blogs. i’m seeing him again and remembering all the fun we had. crazy huh? haha i wish we were better friends but i can’t complain at all at where it’s gotten so far. at least we say hi to each other now haha *handshake*

"…. with serenity and love"

Talked to girl C.

Basically, I need to reevaluate. Everything. Brb, gonna go cry an ocean. Give me 4 years.

Wow na wow.

We really have to be texting about this now huh. Jk. I can’t sleep.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY